Christmas came, and so did Santa.  Absolutely full of magic and memories for all of us.  The kids got what they wanted along with a ton of extra things, I was spoiled as always, and R was just as happy with his gifts.  Happy, healthy, grateful and spoiled.

The night prior, we had a 'wrapping party,' at the house.  We invited A, S and their kids over for good company and to help me catch up on some wrapping, while we drink.  That morning, I had to work.  It didn't bother me because before I left, I cleaned the kitchen, put away dishes, made Jello shots, made snacks for the kids and I took care of the dog!  Luckily, it was a half day, and I could still work from home.  

I think we had A. too many Jello shots, or B. they were more potent than I expected.  Either way, R and I were woken up before the sun somewhere around 6:30 AM.  It definitely made it interesting waking up, but it was still fun.  We got ourselves together and went to see what Santa left for the kiddos.  

Every year it never fails, I get lost in the magic especially the reactions of my children.  I love how they light up with every box unwrapped.  The sad part is watching them grow up so fast.  

For the remainder of the day, we all played with our new gifts and watched movies all day long.  It was perfect.  I didn't even bother cleaning till Saturday when I could really feel that Christmas was over.  By the 6th, we will have the decorations down and put back until next year.  Lather, rinse repeat.  I'd like to purchase more to decorate the house next year since Pinterest has really been addicting as of lately.  

I wish there were more to update, but in my opinion, this is a lot more than I expected.  It was a perfect Christmas with my sweet family and friends too.  I couldn't have asked for anything more.

 The first time I ever had a panic attack was the night I discovered my ex-husbands affair.  It was bad, hysterical and it was a feeling I never wanted to have again.  Last Friday, I had my second. 

Work mornings are routine.  Wake up, get ready and get to work.  It's a 30-minute drive if not less, and I'm always 15 minutes early.  I'd been driving for 5 minutes when it happened, and most people would find it ridiculous.  

The sun was in my eyes, so I reached for my shades in the compartment above my head.  When I grabbed them a special card with my best friend's photo fell out and in a small area under the passenger seat.  I screamed his name as if he was there with me.  I couldn't reach it.  Instantly, memories flooded back drowning me while I drove another 13 minutes.  The pain of not being able to breath, clenching my teeth and holding back tears had me at a gas station.  My entire body was shaking, while I was so dizzy it made me feel like I was drunk. 

I was hysterical.  9 min from work at this point and I'm a hot mess sitting in the parking lot of a gas station on the way to work!  I kept telling myself to get my shit together, but I couldn't.  I text one of my dearest friends, the only person who I knew would understand, because he was the third party in our friend trio.  

It was everything in the moment and I didn't even feel embarrassed, because he understood.  

I called my sister-in-law right after hoping she'd answer.  She didn't. She did text me after I clocked though.

By the time I got to work, I was still teary eyed, shaking and sick to my stomach.  The rest of the day I made sure my big girl panties were on tight and pulled up while I pushed through.  Lunch was okay, because R called me, but I didn't want to mention anything to him because he unfortunately knows more about grief than I do.  I never want to talk to him about things like this. 

The entire day I was waiting to break down, even going home.  I just need one day to release without anyone around because I think that's what my body is trying to tell me.  

The month of December doesn't help either, because my best friend's birthday was the 7th.  I silently remembered him that day too without mentioning anything to anyone.  This is how I grieve and unfortunately, I have been grieving his loss since he passed away in 2021 every day of the year.

 T-minus 6 days till Christmas, and the sound of reindeer on my roof.  Another month full of the holiday lights, bubbly champagne, delicious food, warmth of family and friends.  Let's not forget our faithful ELF who causes chaos and giggles throughout that time period too.

This weekend, I will begin wrapping gifts that deserve to be under the tree instead of throw in the guest room.  I'm still trying to figure out what we will be having for dinner and if the big one will be on Christmas Eve or Christmas day.  Thinking about all of this, I really would like to bring back some of my family traditions into our little family.  The past 2 Christmas' we've done R's traditions and a few of mine, but I don't think it would hurt to change up the dinner plans.

___________

I remember in my family we'd get together at my great grandmother's house for this elaborate, crowded dinner with so many people.  Family only, but still chaotic. The adults would be in the dining room while us kids were in the kitchen area.  Everyone would eat till they rolled out of their chairs, and then the cleanup would commence.  After, the kids would be the first piled up by the tree waiting on the adults as they purposely took their time to make it that way.  A volunteer would pass out the gifts, and everyone would proceed to make a huge mess with wrapping paper and boxes.  

The good memories are the ones I love and those were fun.  

My brother and I would be told to take a shower and get into bed.  Unfortunately, for my grandparents we would stay awake as long as we could singing Christmas songs from our rooms.  Eventually, we'd pass out singing 'I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!'  I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not.  He and I would be the first out of bed and banging down doors because Santa came.  

Christmas Day we'd have breakfast, as the adults sip coffee till about noon.  The rest of the day we sat around talking with family, munching on leftovers while my brother and I played with our new gismos and gadgets.  

___________

Funny, how I haven't really thought about that part of my childhood in years.  When things were good, they were amazing, but that was then and this is now.  I miss the large family get togethers, but I don't miss the literal chaos that joined in. 

I think the moment I really saw the toxicity was in 2013.  My black sheep uncle was visiting and what caught my attention was his fading away into a corner of the kitchen with his pile of gifts. He literally sulked in the back, sipping on Jack Daniels watching from the shadows.  Not a single word, but when he left he just gathered his gifts without unwrapping them with the family and pouted on his way out,

Unfortunately, those a the moments I'm happy to have the family I have now.  R, our kids, our village and my parents.  No drama, no toxicity, just love and laughter.  

Here's to another Christmas, more gifts for the kids, less for the adults because honestly the only thing we want is to see the kids happy.  If I want something, I'll go buy it but I will say Christmas is much more fun when you have kids.  That's just my opinion though.

Happy Birthday Elf on the Shelf.  We also call him 'Dobby,' after one of my favorite Harry Potter characters.  I don't think I thought this through last year, and Pinterest is just telling me I don't have the ability to do half of the ideas I'm seeing.

It's Christmas time, and the house is decorated inside and out with brightly lit colored lights.  The tree is in the corner giving off nothing but warmth, as is the fireplace mantle.  I am hoping I'm almost done with the shopping, but we all know that's not the case.  There's always that, 'oh I forgot this!' or 'Oh they have to have this,' kind of gift.  

Moving onto the random thoughts that enter my daily superhighway, I had another.  Let's start off with, I haven't decorated the exterior of a home I've lived in since I was 16.  Just a reminder, I'm in my 40's now. 

I lived on my own since I was 16 as well, and I barely remember decorating the interior.  While I was married to J, I did all the interior decorating simply I loved the warmth of the holidays.  Less than half the time he would help, and it was just to put up the tree.  Even while he was deployed, I'd still decorate for myself.  After his affair, I noticed I was doing more with the decorations.  I wanted to put more effort into it, and I think it was for the kids because they deserved the memories more than the adults.

In 2022, the first year R and I were together he pulled out all the decorations and asked me to help.  Honestly, I stood there like a deer in headlights because I really didn't know what to do.  He showed me where to put the lights for the exterior and asked me where I wanted the other decorations.  We did it together and had an absolute blast!  Even in the cold outside, I had so much fun helping him.  This year it was a bit more stressful, and I give credit to our relationship being 3 1/2 years in.  We are comfortable getting irritated for a second.  I find it funny, because we still have a good time. 

This year, like last I decorated the interior however I wanted because R loves to see me happy, and I do it for our family.  The kids were visiting their father the weekend the tree went up, so when they came home it was their reaction that did it for us. 

A week later, Dobby returned with his shenanigans and so far, it's been eventful.  Waiting for the kids to pass out so we, or I can move that little sucker around has been more than interesting.  I'm listening to Christmas music and get emotional, because I'm emotional.  I just think of every year so far with the kids, from the first to the current.  I try not to think too far in advance because it peaks my anxiety.  

With that being said, here's to another Christmas, full of health, wealth and happiness surrounded by those twinkling lights, wrapped gifts and laughter filling the air.

 2018 was not a good year for me.  Aside from discovering my ex-husbands affairs, it was the year I was scammed by someone who I called a friend.  A friend for 7 years at that time, mind you, and please don't assume I was doing anything with this person. 1. Ewww. 2. Ewww.

During our friendship, he would bring up these so called 'investments.'  In the beginning I would blow it off and tell him, 'I'll think about it.'  In 2018, I was desperate for an extra income because J's affairs caused him to lose his job.

It sounded too good to be true, so I sent $1000.00 and within a week I was sent back $1500.00.  Good investment, right?  Wrong.

The next was $10,000 and 3 days later another $10,000.  I was promised weekly paybacks from these investments.  Business day 7 I was sending him texts.  He explained it would be another week.  Okay, so I waited.  Then I called and text again. He was in meetings.  Meetings? All night?  The excuses started to flow.  A month in and my savings at $0 not only was I thinking what an idiot I was, but what the hell did I do?  The excuses were getting more extravagant.  He's in the hospital, his mom is sick, more meetings, his daughter is in the hospital and then silence.

By then I was 2 months into waiting and he text me a long threatening message regarding lawyers, my husband's affair being my fault and the fact I lost all the money I sent him.  How? Because he said it was an investment and there are chances of losing them all.  Never once did he say this to me.  He said it was guaranteed money to be made.  

Little did he know I saw his social media.  New cars, expensive new dog, new investments, new toys, phones, things for his daughter.  I was disgusted and defensive.  It was a reality check that my money was gone.  He didn't care I didn't have a dime, nor that I was barely getting by for food and whatever I could to keep things going.  Nope, not a care in the world.

I sent one more message telling him he would eventually be caught, and I would help that happen.

2021 someone contacted me from the FBI and SEC.  He was leaving a trail of debt, and theft.  I gave them all my information as well as had them contact another mutual friend of ours who he did the same thing to.  Bread crumbs.  

2023, I randomly Googled his name and there he was in the news.  PONZI SCHEME.

Long story short, he was amped up bigger and with more debt.  He was using the wrong people and so far, he had schemed $20 million dollars and was stalking online TikTok creators.  Ironically, one was a mutual friend of mine.  

Let's jump to, this week.

I woke up for work and while I sat up in bed for a few minutes waking up I randomly Googled his name again.  There was the headline, and his sentence of 13 years in prison for online embezzlement, Ponzi scheming and stalking. Finally, karma!  I sat there in awe, and relief.  I wasn't done yet though. There was one more thing I needed for closure.

Using ChatGPT, I wrote up the pettiest letter I could without raising red flags.  No threats, no harassment, just petty words and a thank you.  I sent it this week to the man who finally met Karma, lost his lifestyle, custody of his daughter and more than likely has a butch wife in the small prison cell he rightfully earned.  Below, you'll find the link to his sentencing and the letter I sent him.  Trust me, he will remember who I am.

CLICK TO READ SENTANCING

Michael,

You may or may not remember me, so let me refresh your memory. We met through (mutual friend) at (place) in (location). We talked often by phone and text, and I was even the person you called late one night when you’d had too much to drink and needed someone to drive you home.

If that still doesn’t ring a bell, then 2018 should. That’s when you contacted me about your business and promised you’d pay me back. At the time, I had a newborn and a young child depending on me. Instead of keeping your word, you took my money and disappeared. That left me in a mental and financial hole I honestly wasn’t sure I’d recover from.

But here’s the part you might find interesting. I recovered completely. Not only that, but I ended up earning five times what you took from me, and then some with my job. My life looks very different now than when you and I were friends. My children are happy and secure. We have stability, peace, and everything we need and more. I don’t spend my days worrying about whether someone will return money they promised me.

These days, I make homemade meals at home with my family. I spend my time with my kids and with my new husband, who has brought more support, stability, and kindness into my life than I even knew to hope for at the time we knew each other. My children never have to worry about their needs being met. For my birthday, my husband bought me a beautiful speed boat, and we spent the summer on the lake making memories. We also travel, sometimes twice a year. We’ve been blessed to visit Hawaii. I took a trip to Cabo for the first time, even though my husband has been more than a dozen times. It’s nice to do these little things without worrying about finances.

In a strange way, I want to thank you. What happened taught me to trust my instincts and recognize people’s intentions more clearly. You were a turning point for me, and because of that, I’ve been able to avoid others who might have wanted to use me for my time or money. That lesson was incredibly valuable.

I recently came across your updated information and saw your new long-term residency. It looks like you’ll have plenty of time to think, at least eight years, from what I can see. I hope you use that time to reflect on the choices that led you there and on the impact those choices had on others. It seems your landlords are keeping you well-supplied and under supervision. Hopefully they treat you as well as I hope they do, and you can adjust to your new neighborhood comfortably.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I noticed you’ve lost weight; hopefully you’re able to stay healthy and take care of your well-being.

Take care,
   (Me)

 When R is out of town, my mind runs. By runs I mean the most random shit pops into my head, and mostly during a shower when that's my time.  I take my time washing my hair, shaving my legs, just taking care of myself.  The random thought that popped into my head the other day was how I've finally handled my anxiety.  

I haven't told him this, but before I moved in my anxiety was probably maxed out due to certain things that went on with us.  You can't blame me considering my past and what we went through.  After I moved in and he was out of town it was still at an all-time high.  It didn't help when his ex would randomly send me hate text from what I assume were app numbers.  It was always a different area code, or random green number message.  I have an iPhone, so it was obvious and based on the wording in the text, I knew it was her.  

The moment my anxiety started to lessen, if not disappear was the moment we discussed having a baby together.  It sucks it took that long for it finally fade, but again in my defense it had a lot to do with our past and my past.  It was that moment earlier this week I took a deep breath and didn't feel any relationship anxiety.

I've dated cheaters, controlling narcissists, verbally and physically abusive men.  R is none of those, but due to being abused I was expecting something to come out and blind side me.  

Come December, we are 3 1/2 years into our relationship and have overcome a lot of things like emergencies, surgeries, hospital visits, job changes, life changes, miscarriages and the discussion of a marriage that will never happen.  Some might look at the last two issues and raise a brow.  I've finally accepted we will never share the same last name or intertwine our credit scores, because we have what we want.  

We have our family, our health, our income and safety.  We are happy the way we are, and yes we consider ourselves married without the legalities.  

He did tell me, 'If you want a ring, I'll get you a ring.'  I have a ring I bought for myself because I loved the color.  I certainly don't want a, 'shut up ring.' That's not what I'm asking for, nor is this about material items for me.  However, I brought it up the other day.  I told him I'm expecting one as of this point.  'I'll get you one next year baby, after we get comfortable with this new job endeavor.' I told him, 'Good.  I want a big one, and it better be a sour apple or watermelon flavor!'

The look he gave me was on the 'what the fuck,' level.  I was serious.  I want a sour apple or watermelon ring pop, and it better not have any cracks in it.  

I do question a few things, like 'why doesn't he want to marry me?' It's not that he doesn't want to marry me, it's the fact he doesn't want to get married in general.  I think him holding onto his past 2 failed engagements is a piss poor excuse, because I was previously married twice too.  Neither failed engagements and marriages were either of our faults.  Both involved our spouses cheating, lying or being abusive.  Why should that stop anyone from fulfilling what they really want?  

The way I see it, I gave R a wife instead of a girlfriend and he's content with that.  He's given me a husband and a dad to the kids without the biology and legalities.  I shouldn't complain, however when I talk about him and say, 'my husband,' the feeling is weird because I know he's not my husband.  But he is. 

What I do know is, there better be a ring pop wrapped up for Christmas this year!

So, the kids are finally back to school after having fevers, ick and sick.  It's a relief for all of us, because no parent wants to see their kids sick.  I mean, mine looked like hell, I just couldn't say that around them.  Word of advice, parents get those kids the flu shot, and don't forget yourself.

As for us as mom and dad, things are about to get even more interesting.  R has put in an application for another company, and we discussed it this week.  It looks like he will be traveling close to 50% of the time, and he's worried how me and the kids will handle it.  

Me?  I can adapt. I'm a former military wife, and it's just something I can do.  I don't have a choice in my mind because I knew what I was getting into when we started this relationship.  I knew he was traveling a lot then, and as we got in deeper, he started to travel more.  I'm kind of use to it now, even though I might not like it.  He's worried I'll send him paragraph after paragraph in a depressive state of mind complaining about him being gone.  I told him, 'I'm going to have my moments, but when I do (and there won't be many) I will need you to empathize with me.  I need your support too.'  He totally got it.  

This new job of his is really going to be a game changer for us, and I'm excited believe it or not.  We've been having a few stressors here and there, so this is a weight off our shoulders.  With him traveling, it's going to be easier now that I'm working full time too.  It keeps my mind clear and focused on the things that need to get done.  I won't be depressed or 'as upset' if I've got something to keep me occupied outside of the kids going to school.

Even with him traveling most weeks, at least he will be home on the weekends to spend with us.  

Personally, I just want us to be in a better mind set about things because last year about this time it was a snowball of things and news we just didn't want to hear.  Just another milestone, and hurdle for us to conquer.  That's how I see it.  

Well, that's it for the week.  Our plan this evening is to have a 'date night.'  We don't get much of them anymore, so we are going to take advantage of it.  I hope Sunday, R is willing to help me start the Christmas decorating!