Anxiety Begone!

 When R is out of town, my mind runs. By runs I mean the most random shit pops into my head, and mostly during a shower when that's my time.  I take my time washing my hair, shaving my legs, just taking care of myself.  The random thought that popped into my head the other day was how I've finally handled my anxiety.  

I haven't told him this, but before I moved in my anxiety was probably maxed out due to certain things that went on with us.  You can't blame me considering my past and what we went through.  After I moved in and he was out of town it was still at an all-time high.  It didn't help when his ex would randomly send me hate text from what I assume were app numbers.  It was always a different area code, or random green number message.  I have an iPhone, so it was obvious and based on the wording in the text, I knew it was her.  

The moment my anxiety started to lessen, if not disappear was the moment we discussed having a baby together.  It sucks it took that long for it finally fade, but again in my defense it had a lot to do with our past and my past.  It was that moment earlier this week I took a deep breath and didn't feel any relationship anxiety.

I've dated cheaters, controlling narcissists, verbally and physically abusive men.  R is none of those, but due to being abused I was expecting something to come out and blind side me.  

Come December, we are 3 1/2 years into our relationship and have overcome a lot of things like emergencies, surgeries, hospital visits, job changes, life changes, miscarriages and the discussion of a marriage that will never happen.  Some might look at the last two issues and raise a brow.  I've finally accepted we will never share the same last name or intertwine our credit scores, because we have what we want.  

We have our family, our health, our income and safety.  We are happy the way we are, and yes we consider ourselves married without the legalities.  

He did tell me, 'If you want a ring, I'll get you a ring.'  I have a ring I bought for myself because I loved the color.  I certainly don't want a, 'shut up ring.' That's not what I'm asking for, nor is this about material items for me.  However, I brought it up the other day.  I told him I'm expecting one as of this point.  'I'll get you one next year baby, after we get comfortable with this new job endeavor.' I told him, 'Good.  I want a big one, and it better be a sour apple or watermelon flavor!'

The look he gave me was on the 'what the fuck,' level.  I was serious.  I want a sour apple or watermelon ring pop, and it better not have any cracks in it.  

I do question a few things, like 'why doesn't he want to marry me?' It's not that he doesn't want to marry me, it's the fact he doesn't want to get married in general.  I think him holding onto his past 2 failed engagements is a piss poor excuse, because I was previously married twice too.  Neither failed engagements and marriages were either of our faults.  Both involved our spouses cheating, lying or being abusive.  Why should that stop anyone from fulfilling what they really want?  

The way I see it, I gave R a wife instead of a girlfriend and he's content with that.  He's given me a husband and a dad to the kids without the biology and legalities.  I shouldn't complain, however when I talk about him and say, 'my husband,' the feeling is weird because I know he's not my husband.  But he is. 

What I do know is, there better be a ring pop wrapped up for Christmas this year!