Panic Attacks

 The first time I ever had a panic attack was the night I discovered my ex-husbands affair.  It was bad, hysterical and it was a feeling I never wanted to have again.  Last Friday, I had my second. 

Work mornings are routine.  Wake up, get ready and get to work.  It's a 30-minute drive if not less, and I'm always 15 minutes early.  I'd been driving for 5 minutes when it happened, and most people would find it ridiculous.  

The sun was in my eyes, so I reached for my shades in the compartment above my head.  When I grabbed them a special card with my best friend's photo fell out and in a small area under the passenger seat.  I screamed his name as if he was there with me.  I couldn't reach it.  Instantly, memories flooded back drowning me while I drove another 13 minutes.  The pain of not being able to breath, clenching my teeth and holding back tears had me at a gas station.  My entire body was shaking, while I was so dizzy it made me feel like I was drunk. 

I was hysterical.  9 min from work at this point and I'm a hot mess sitting in the parking lot of a gas station on the way to work!  I kept telling myself to get my shit together, but I couldn't.  I text one of my dearest friends, the only person who I knew would understand, because he was the third party in our friend trio.  

It was everything in the moment and I didn't even feel embarrassed, because he understood.  

I called my sister-in-law right after hoping she'd answer.  She didn't. She did text me after I clocked though.

By the time I got to work, I was still teary eyed, shaking and sick to my stomach.  The rest of the day I made sure my big girl panties were on tight and pulled up while I pushed through.  Lunch was okay, because R called me, but I didn't want to mention anything to him because he unfortunately knows more about grief than I do.  I never want to talk to him about things like this. 

The entire day I was waiting to break down, even going home.  I just need one day to release without anyone around because I think that's what my body is trying to tell me.  

The month of December doesn't help either, because my best friend's birthday was the 7th.  I silently remembered him that day too without mentioning anything to anyone.  This is how I grieve and unfortunately, I have been grieving his loss since he passed away in 2021 every day of the year.