Don't read old text messages!

Just, don't!

My son handed me his phone last week and said 'mom, there are some weird numbers coming up on my phone.'  Okay, so I started going through it.  I'd linked it to my iCloud when I set it up, so this didn't surprise me.  I sat there and began scrolling, making sure none of these messages were important, and there it was.  My ex-husbands number dated in 2018.

Instantly, I was Alice chasing the rabbit...

Date 1: He admitted he was leaving me and our kids.

Date 2: I discovered the emotional affair.

Date 3: I discovered the sexual affairs. Plural.

At the time we'd been married for 9 years, 11 months had two kids, owed two homes, and both of us were working full time.  I was living the life even with our marital arguments because no marriage is perfect, but in my eyes we had everything I'd ever dreamed for a family.  

He moved out the evening I asked if he was leaving, and the next day I was contacting lawyers.  

'Usually when a man does something like this, they are having an affair.' I defended my (then) husband the entire conversation, explaining to the attorney he wasn't like that, he's not the type to cheat and had become unhappy with the marriage.  I was way off the mark.  

The first affair started when I was pregnant with our daughter.  In the back of my mind, I'm sure there were more based on the text messages of how he treated me even prior to my pregnancies.  However, I have no proof.  The second followed with the sister of the first.  Believe it or not, he 'kept it in the family.'  Together, they lasted almost a year through every important holiday except our anniversary.

Hitting rock bottom doesn't begin to describe what I allowed myself to become.  My actions, my words, and my parenting.  

________

One hour later, my son walks into my office and asks if his phone is cleaned up.  I deleted the messages and handed it back to him with a smile.  For the next 60 or so minutes, I was living in 2018 again and had no idea how to escape.  My mind was traumatized, rendering me mute.  If my kids asked anything of me during this time, I'd smile and get them what they needed without saying a word.  I felt helpless.

I sat down and took a deep breath, back in my present-day home, safe but mentally beating myself up for reading those messages.  How did I allow myself to go back into the past, and weaken me?  I was angry all over again, but mostly at myself for reading.

3 years of messages I scrolled through it was always turned back to him.  For reference, I sent him a video of our daughters first smile and he sent, 'OK,' and proceeded to tell me how well, or what he was doing at work.  There's plenty more messages that confirm he didn't care, but it is what it is at this point in time.  

It's funny as I'm thinking about it all, of every man who's ever been in my life (they've all cheated on me), he was the one who I never thought would stoop to such a level.

Where am I now? 

I stayed with him till 2021 thinking I could move forward, but my mind was so destroyed with the images it was impossible.  I moved into my parents' home and became the mom I didn't want to be, such as lazy and selfish.  Luckily, my mother was able to help me pull my head out of my ass and show me what I need to become for my kids.

Our divorce was final in early 2024, after he tried to stalemate me into staying married. Yes, it's actually possible, but I found a loophole.  The kids are with me full time, happy, healthy, thriving in school, and they see their father at designated times.

I'm actually living the life.  I met a man in 2022 during my separation, and it was him who changed how I viewed relationships.  That, is for another entry.