Four Losses in 2 years

It's finally time to give up.

Give up, move on and be grateful for what I have with my family.  I have two beautiful, smart, and healthy children that I would do anything for.  I mean, it's true what some say that a mother really will do anything for her children.  I say within reason. I don't plan on robbing a bank anytime soon.  

March 2023.  We just moved in together, and were a few months shy of a year as a couple.  I'd been on birth control, and particular that it was being taken properly.  I guess my body had other plans, because there were two very pink lines at 5 weeks when I missed my period.  

Needless to say, we were both nervous since this was not only unplanned, but we just weren't ready to expand our family, and I was still legally married to my (now ex) husband.  Regardless, there we were accepting what was to come.  

At 7 weeks, I'd seen the second ultrasound with high HCG numbers.  At my age, I was very excited to even think this could happen, so we continued with life until 9 weeks.  It happened in the middle of the night when I got out of bed in some pain.  I'd gone into the bathroom and knew it was over.  I crawled back into bed with R and whispered, 'I'm bleeding. Heavily.'  He wrapped his entire body around me and held me till I was able to fall asleep.

I'll never know how I was able to get back to sleep, but I did. The day after, the kids went to school and I went back to bed.  After I woke up, R suggested I get dressed and took me to the beach nearby.  We walked.  I didn't want to talk much, and he didn't push anything, so we just walked.  It took another week until I was able to finally release my emotions and cry. 

A year later, (and after my divorce) R brought up the conversation about filling the guest room with someone that cries.  I find that funny still, because what better way to make a woman laugh about having kids than by that?  I was on board and threw out my birth control.  

August 2024.  I got pregnant immediately, and it lasted 2 days.  Chemical pregnancies are more common than you think, but the only reason I knew I was pregnant, was because I was actually tracking.

September 2024. Another immediate pregnancy, so this was a great thing!  My body can conceive, it wants to conceive, but did it want to keep it?  

7 weeks later, after a family function, we came home, and I started to cramp.  My first ultrasound was scheduled for a week later, but I didn't make it.  I lost the baby, the next afternoon and we decided to wait and let my body heal again.  

It wasn't long after, that a few things changed for us financially, so we agreed it was best to wait till they were aligned again.  Life happens and we were completely okay with this.  

February 2025.  We weren't really concerned with a pregnancy because it was a while till my body recovered and sex just wasn't in the cards for us.  We are one of those couples that don't need it like others.  However, it takes one time.  I remember it was cleaning up cat vomit and almost losing it myself that prompted me to test.  Low and behold it was positive.  It would be this one that would stick while we were in a life transition.

I tracked my blood draws which started out beautiful, and better than the last 3 along with an early ultrasound.  5 weeks and perfect.  We didn't worry, but we dared not to get our hopes up.  It was the 7 week mark and the internal ultrasound that diminished our wanted hopes and dreams.  

There was a heartbeat that literally almost had me passing out on the bed, and I think this was out of shock and happiness. However, the tech did inform me of a very low heartrate and my HCG came back doubling only after 2 weeks.  My OB followed up with a large yolk sac, which wasn't a good sign either giving us a 10% chance.  She was so kind as always, because we have two healthy children now, but it was heartbreaking.

Three days ago, the happiness we wanted was gone and here I sit.  I don't ask for sympathy or empathy because it happens.  It sucks, but it does happen, and this has become my outlet.  I haven't cried yet, but I do imagine it will hit me when I least expect it.  The upside to it all, is with the bad comes the good and I have been offered a job that works so well for me and my family.  Even R's job is bringing in good vibes for us too, so we continue with that and even though my children are not his biologically we have had the conversation of 'should we try again?'

No.  We will most definitely not try again, because we have what we want running around the house.  I was surprised to hear him say this, and grateful he thinks of them as his.  He does not, nor has he ever tried to take their bio fathers place, but he really does a better job.  Don't judge me when I say this, because the back story of the bio father would anger you.  Yet, for another entry.  

Here we are.  Healing, and feeling grateful for what we have. Our home, our health, and our children.