Never have I ever

My ex-husband informed me after the last drop off, he would be pushing to get primary custody of the kids because I found out about certain living arrangements that are not looked at well from courts.  As a mother, they definitely didn't sit well with me either.  

Today, I officially have a lawyer who is drafting and sending out legal paperwork to my ex-husband.  I walked into the office, shaking and feeling the anxiety spread all over my body, so much I honestly thought I was going to cry at any moment.  Deep breaths, that's all I could say in my head.

It started with the 'Tell me why you are here,' while he had the cliff notes in front of him.  I started simple, and for every question he'd ask me I would elaborate.  Inside I was questioning how it came down to this, and I'd remind myself that he threatened to take the kids.  I feel like a war is about to begin, and I'm waiting on the bomb when he receives that certified letter.  

I was informed not to answer any more calls, text only and from this point forward there was no meeting point for exchanges per my divorce decree.  Legalities.  It amazes me, when I've done so much to work with him, and support his phone calls to the kids he'd turn around and do this.

My fear is this is going to eventually hurt the kids, because he will make the drive for maybe a couple of months, then give excuses.  Currently his excuse for not spending the entire designated weekend with them, is work.  I know for a fact this is the truth, because my lawyer said he could change that for himself.  However, he has worked this schedule for 7 years, so why should he be expected to change now?

I'm assuming by Saturday; my phone will blow up with his calls and text telling me what a low life piece of shit I am for even consulting with a lawyer.  What do I want from all of this? I want my kids to have them in their lives, but it's unfortunate it's this way due to their fathers' actions.  

His. Actions.

He yelled at me during our last conversation, 'this is your fault I can't see my kids because you didn't want to work it out with me.'

I did not force this man to have multiple affairs.  This is not my fault!

So, this is where we are again.  Hurry up and wait.  Boom.