Silence Isn't Always Golden

I haven't heard from my ex-husband yet regarding the paperwork my lawyer sent out.  It makes me nervous because I have to reach out and confirm pick up for this weekend, so I sent a message to my lawyer checking if the certified mail was delivered.

It's nice it was quiet without the assumption of drama, because both the kiddos came down with fevers on Friday evening.  I've had them rotating meds, hydrated, warm Epsom salt baths, clean sheets, and even a call to the pediatrician due to a very high fever for my daughter.  Apparently, per the doctor, the flu virus is making its way around schools again.  I didn't expect that in springtime.

My daughter stayed home today because her fever is still too high for the school, and her cough is an absolute giveaway she's not fully recovered.  I might just take to some more deep cleaning since I'm home with her.  At least she's comfortable, eating and taking in Pedialyte.

Aside from the house virus, my boyfriend and I had a nice conversation Friday evening, regarding our future.  Let me clarify, I brought up a conversation piece due to certain circumstances that have recently surrounded us.

When I say future, I meant we discussed what direction we see our relationship and family going towards.  I also figured out that I can tell him anything without being afraid, because he admitted to me, he felt the same.  We both have an irrational fear of the other leaving due to our past relationship failures and how our past partners have treated us,

I have suffered from PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder), when I started seeing a therapist after my ex-husband's affair.  It's not an easy feeling to shake, especially in a healthy relationship because I always feel something could and will go wrong again.  R, on the other hand has suffered toxicity in relationships, making it feel normal for him to argue (fight horribly) with his partner.  In our relationship, there is no yelling, fighting or arguing.  We do disagree and discuss, but never once have we raised our voices, called names or end up putting each other in a past position.

If there is one thing I've learned from my past, I am the one in control of my actions and emotions.  In the past I did fly off the handle, yell, scream and do things I am not proud of.  Believe me, I am not perfect, but I've learned.  There is no energy left inside of me to fight, yell or anything regarding negativity.  I speak kind to my kids, because growing up I was yelled at for doing anything wrong regardless how minor it was.

R brought up the other day how this relationship is not normal for him, because we don't fight.  I did ask if toxicity is something he wanted, because I wouldn't be able to give that to him.  Thank goodness he said 'No!' without hesitating.  

The conversation went better than I expected, and I did cry because I do hold back a lot of my emotions.  He was so sweet and told me never to be afraid to tell him anything, and I repeated the same to him.  It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest.  The sad part was, he has been thinking about things in the future and said he wouldn't be able to surprise me now due to our conversation.  I told him he could, just wait a while so it won't be fresh on my mind.