The night I found out

It was Valentine's Day of, all days.

January 6, 2018 I was picking up the house while the kids were playing in the Livingroom.  I'd walked into our closet and happened to notice his entire shelf was empty.  I don't know why, but this prompted me to text him.

Me: 'are you leaving me?'
Him: 'yes.'

I didn't know it at that moment, but it was because of his affair.  He left, and 2 days later came back because I thought he had an epiphany.

Valentine's Day 2018

He had worked that day, and text me asking if I'd like anything on his way home.  I requested a bottle of my favorite $8 champagne, and his company.  The kids were asleep by the time he arrived home, and I had a steak dinner ready for him.

We'd settled on the couch, put a movie on and had already a few drinks in us.  I couldn't tell you what movie it was to this day, but I remember he was on my right, and I noticed he'd fallen asleep.  I saw his phone on his left between us, and my mind said, 'pick it up.' 

I had never had the want or need to touch his phone during our entire relationship, until that moment.  I scrolled through his pages of apps and didn't see anything out of the norm, until I saw WHATSAPP.  I knew of the app, but never personally used it.  

There it was.

Her: I miss you, I love you.
Him: I love you too.

I scrolled for another few minutes seeing the words of endearment towards each other.

I wish I could have controlled myself at that moment.  I stood up and threw the phone at his face, waking him up mid snore.  I was screaming, crying and yelling questions.  

The rest of the night was a blur for me not only because of the alcohol, but also because I think I blacked out for a moment.  He told me it was only an emotional affair, and did everything he could to convince me that was all it was.

February 15, 2018

I didn't go to work that day and unfortunately allowed myself to slip into an obsession of the text messages.  I sent her a text and begged her to call me.  It was around 7 that evening and she contacted me. I remember telling her that I found out and I asked her, 'did you and him sleep together?' When she confirmed, I felt my back hit the fridge and I slipped to the floor.  

Me: 'When?'
Her: 'The first time was July 29 (2017), but we were doing more before that.'

A week prior, our daughter was born.  2 days later I came home from the hospital while she remained in the NICU.  The entire week, I was pumping and driving 30 minutes to take breast milk to her.  The same week my (then) mother-in-law was in town helping me with our son.  That exact day, he told me he was working very late with extra cleaning.  That same night, I had checked his location showing he was in a park at 8:33 pm. He'd called me on the way home giving me some bullshit excuse not to touch him due to the stuff on his clothes and he'd need a shower immediately. Funny, because he didn't mind me picking them up to wash them as soon as he threw them in the hamper.

My world went dark.  She told me some dates, a few details and told me how it was at her house and a pay by the hour motel during lunches on workdays.  She said, he was complaining how I wouldn't have sex with him, and he wanted a divorce because I didn't make him feel desired.  

Plot twist: It didn't start that day.  It started with her younger sister in March 2017, and when the younger sister broke it off due to her 'baby daddy' almost finding out, he followed with her in April 2017.  It was mostly kissing, and oral before they decided to have sex in the truck, I'd bought him at the park around the corner from their work.  

He'd started his affairs the month my OBGYN told me how high risk I was, and sex was absolutely out of the question.  The same month of our wedding anniversary.

_____________________

Every photo of us was torn off the wall and shattered that night.  I called my mother screaming in tears immediately after, and she came to get my kids.  I text him 'call me! call me now! I know!' He waited to clock out an hour later before he came home.  

Needless to say, he was walking into a war zone, and I didn't handle the situation well at all.  I blacked out and only remember a few little bits here and there.  I didn't eat for a week, and I mean that literally.  I lost 20lbs and I only drank.  I did drink water and juice during the day, but I drank alcohol heavily at night which didn't help matters.

I thought I could make it work, and I prayed to everything in the universe to make the pain go away.  7 years later and the pain is still there, only because I allow it to be.  I remind myself why I left, and why I shouldn't have stayed or acted the way I did during the years I stayed.

I left because I didn't want my son to think it was okay for a man to treat a woman that way.  I left because I didn't want my daughter to think it was okay to stay with a man who does that.  I left to protect them from a man who I never really knew, who to this day is a narcissist. 

My son is 10 and still questions why mommy divorced daddy.  This breaks my heart because I can't tell him till, he's old enough to understand.  I keep it simple that we didn't work because daddy made some very wrong choices and it was not right to stay, so we made ourselves a better life. It's getting easier for him, and I never talk down about their father if they are around.  

3 years ago, I met a man who was introduced to me by his sister, who just happens to be my best friend.  He is also the best dad my kids have ever had and the best man I've ever had in my life.