My addiction

Everyone has something they are addicted to.  

Love. Sex. Money. Dr*gs. People. Hobbies. Nicotine. 

Mine can be categorized the same way.

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My addiction started in 2007, and it was on and off till 2014 when I found out I was pregnant with my son.  There was no going back to it, so I thought.  

In 2017 my daughter was born, and in 2018 I discovered my ex-husband's affairs.  It wasn't long after, my addiction started again.

I needed an escape from the pain, and something that would tell me I'm alive again.  It was the worst thing I personally think that happened, but it was the best as well.

My addiction is a machine. No, ladies, it's not a vibrator.  I mean, it can be classified that way, but it's not.  It's a literal death machine in the eyes of those involved and those who know nothing about it.

It's sound.  Sound that you're constantly trying to impress with or get attention from.  The accessories are endless, and you're always finding a way to make the money in order to purchase more.  It's the equipment that comes with operating this machine, to try to keep yourself safe.  That in itself is extremely expensive.  

I can say, I've spent easily $5000 on personal accessories just for my body.  It's ridiculous to some, but to me it's literally my life.  I don't even want to think of the amount I've spent on the machine as that cost me a penny alone.

Regardless, it was my addiction.  I was more addicted at night than anything, which is actually the most dangerous time.  Visual limitations, reckless choices by others around you, some involving alcohol.  The people with the same addiction were worse than I was.  Granted, I wasn't as 'ballsy' like those, until 2020 when I decided to 'upgrade.'  

There it was a second machine next to the first in my garage.  They were mine.

It was the same year covid took over, and those with my addiction flooded the cities.  By flooded, I mean we were seen everywhere taking advantage of those who were quarantining themselves per government advise.  It was also the same year; I decided to mix my addiction with social media.  It was a fun choice, yet a bad one in my position. 

I realized how many people hate you when you're just doing what you like or love.  I was judged and degraded by those same people who eventually tried to imitate me or my social media.  

2021, I was more known than I ever expected to be. I discovered there were some who wanted to be around me for devious reasons, and others who were genuine and kind.  It was the same year; I was grateful for social media as I was literally put into a life and death situation. 

In 2022, my social media tripled, and it again came with the good and bad. The bad being, I was used and too blind to really see what was going on until it was too late.  I figured out what a clout chaser was and that really knocked me down emotionally.  

It was 2023 when I controlled my addiction.  I found a new happiness to fill that void that consumed me back in 2018.  My time was better spent with my kids and R making memories and laughing.  Work seemed to overload me too, but I was very much okay with that because it was doing something that matter more, instead of a selfishness inside of me.  

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My addiction has been used 4 times in the past 9 months.  It sits in the garage, covered in dust but still maintained.  I touch it each time I'm out there and I do still admire it.  

I will never regret my decision of it.  That's the one addiction that helped me heal, grow and showed me what a wakeup call is.