Old Photos

 Just throw them away.

The kids and I visited my mom last week, while R was out of town.  I know we were up there the prior weekend, but we really enjoy seeing her while we are in the area.  We stayed longer than expected, but it was worth it. 

As always, she had an epiphany and told me to follow here upstairs into my former bedroom.  I knew where this was going before it started.   We went through both closets, the dresser and a few boxes I left behind full of crap.  I took a handful of items I'd use or needed, and then there were the boxes.  

I froze for a few seconds then started flipping through the frames of photos.  

There they were.  The photos taken from 2007 through 2017.  10 years of memories, I'd actually forgotten about.  I saw the photo where it began, the first night I met the father of my children.  All I could think of was, 'damn I look different.' I mean I was 24 at the time and that's a solid 18-year difference right there.  Regardless, I said 'throw it out.'  I didn't want it. I don't want it.  I want nothing to do with those years before I met R.

More photos of the past I flipped through involving a biker club, and times we spent together.  We fought over a MC he was involved in who were doing illegal activities, and at one point caused him to break of our engagement and kick me out of the house.  Believe it or not, he proposed to me on Father's Day of 2007.  Not a month later, he was telling me to leave and give back the ring.  4 months later we were back together. I guess he had some oats to sew, because I heard about those stories long after we were married.

There were other photos and looking back I thought I was happy.  I was not.  I saw the forced smiles, and the way I'd dress just trying to fit into his world.  If there was one thing I noticed about that man, he was a follower.  He would get involved with certain 'likes,' I guess you could say, and he'd start playing the part.  Like, the cliques you'd see in high school, you'd dress or act a certain way.  He started to do the same to me, telling me I needed to fit in.  I didn't.  I couldn't.  It wasn't me.

Lastly, the awards and certificates.  They had my name on them with is last name followed by 'thank you for your loyalty...' Loyalty.  I was loyal.  Through the deployments, the weeks he'd be away, the long weekends I was loyal.  There's a part of me that seriously thinks he had affairs I'd never discovered, but I'll never be able to prove it.  To those, I say 'trash.'

I asked my mother to throw them out, and she gladly agreed.

No matter what my jobs were, I'd dress the part there and once I clocked out, I went back to me.  I'm a t-shirt and ripped jeans kind of person and I like that.  

With R, I never have to try to 'fit in,' I can just go as me.  He never tries to change me or tell me how to act or dress because he knows I'm me.  I'm not playing the game to 'fit in' just to be liked. 

On the upside of it all, this past week I finally changed all my government IDs back to my maiden name, and it feels so good to see that.  The only reason I guess I put it off for so long revolves around the kids.  If I have to pick them up from school, or anything involving that, there will be a different name than theirs.  This will be a new challenge I suppose, but I'm okay with it.  I can also find a laugh in it all, considering there are now 3 last names in our home. 

I looked at my new photos on each of the IDs.  My natural hair color, no tan, just me.  'Welcome back girl.'