I Hate Triggers

 Who doesn't? 

Trigger:  I'm watching a movie with R, and he passes out on the couch.  Part of the movie, unbeknownst to me, shows the husband having an affair while playing the 'perfect husband.'  The woman goes on to say how she knows yet isn't ready to deal with it but has Googled couples who've survived.

It got me thinking, still why?  Why does a person cheat!?  Let me rephrase that where it might fit better for me.

Why does a man cheat, when he has a healthy happy family?  Who has (had) a wife that works, cooks, cleans, does outside work, pays the bills, while trying to keep herself looking attractive for the husband?

I think because of my ex, I will never be the same.   I will always live in worry with the anxiety of will this ever happen again.  I look at R, still sleeping due to his early flight this morning, and I wonder if I'm a burden sometimes.  Am I good enough?

Since day one of meeting R, I have never 'put on a show,' or 'pretended to be' someone I'm not.  I still work, cook on the daily if not every other day, basically I do everything a wife should do.  I'm there for the kids and do everything in my power to show them respect, spend time with them, focus on their happiness for all of us.  I just want to be the perfect woman.  I don't want to ever worry if I'm 'good enough.'

Sadly, I will.  I don't think it helps that R's ex happens to pop up here and there when I least expect it.  Ironically, it's around important times of the year for me.  

Now, let me try all of this again...

I am good enough.  I've never not been good enough.  None of someone else's actions is my fault.  I am the one in control of my emotions, and I can take control of how I feel.  I'm so desperate for the past to just stay there, and unfortunately, I'm the only one who can do that.  I'm trying, but sometimes I feel when it's back there, I allow it back in.

Sometimes I'm curious if I'd have reacted better where I'd be today.  However, I do not regret the screaming I did that night, or the yelling, throwing things and the way I reacted because I learned from that believe it or not.  I learned how not to act in certain situations and instead use that for myself.  It's used in every situation for me because if I take a breath and tell myself, 'You can only control the way you react,' things turn out better.

I don't yell anymore, but I do over think.  I don't scream; I invest in listening to everything that's said.  Then, I use it to my advantage.  There is always good that came out of my past, but the worst part was it made me a woman who shouldn't be underestimated.