Narcissists

I never knew what the words meant until 2018.  Legit, I never knew.  It took a therapist to tell me, not only were my ex-husbands adultery actions my fault, but she did happen to throw in he did have some narcissistic tendencies while we were in a session.

She said the words, and they didn't quite compute.  I had to have her explain what it was I wasn't seeing.

After she gave me the definition, it was like a wave that flooded my mind, and I felt myself drowning.  I mean for a moment I felt I couldn't breathe.   All I could see were memories popping up with red flags.

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I got pregnant after he came back from Afghanistan in 2009.  He actually convinced me I needed to get rid of the baby because he didn't want kids, and having kids would change my body.  I grieved so hard, and each time he would tell me to 'get over it.'

He bought me a gift and put limitations on it because his 'MC buddies,' told him so. I was not allowed to be independent after he got involved with them.  I was 'property.'  I was his 'trophy wife,' and in front of these guys I was just that.  I wasn't allowed to be, me.

His dad would make disgusting sexual comments to me or about my body, and he would tell me 'Just ignore it,' because that's how his dad is.  He knew about an unfortunate event in my life, and he didn't care that his dads' words triggered me.  I needed to get over it.

He would tell people about my extremely high-risk pregnancy with E, but of course the story ends with his affair and that I was the problem.  I guess his affair partner didn't realize that while he was texting her as I was in labor and he was updating her on my progress.  You'd think she'd say to herself, 'what man sleeps with another woman while his wife is pregnant?'

The list, as always continues...
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My second encounter with a narcissist, who I feel might have been worse is the guy I met during my separation.  He lived 2 hours from me, and we shared the same hobbies.  The guy was a love bomber, from the first text, and facetime call.  

He was showing me off left and right the first week.  The second week, he was meeting my kids because he said he was going to be in their life forever.  I didn't see the red flags, I thought he was really it. The third week I visited him, he had this 'oh, she's here,' attitude after inviting me for the weekend.  God forbid I went out solo, he would berate me, and when I accidently left my phone at home when I went to pick up my kids it was absolute torture.  My social media was still new then, and I warned him of it when we met.  He acted like it's no big deal and was so supportive, but 4 weeks into our relationship while I was LIVE, he called to degrade me.  I felt like it was nothing but eggshells under my feet.

3 months prior to meeting him, I entered a bikini competition and was putting in a lot of time and effort at the gym.  He knew of this from day one and come the final days he was telling me how to dress, what photos I could and couldn't share.  He demanded me to share my location, and if I were at a gas station or with friends too long, another torture fest.  However, he could speed as fast as he wanted, stay out with whomever and however long.  Me on the other hand, absolutely not.

I remember we were getting ready to go meet up with some of his friends and he asked me to 'dress nicely.'  I took my time in the bathroom, hair, make up, the whole nine yards and the entire time I was listening to music via my air pods.  When I came out, he saw my phone in my hand and got into my face with a 'what the fuck are you doing?' I told him I was finished getting ready and I had my music on.  He proceeded to tell me I was lying and talking to someone.  I had to show him my phone, and call log.  Oh, my music was still playing.

He dumped me on a Sunday morning via text.  Apparently, my ex was harassing him, and he couldn't take it, but his ex was doing the same to me and I stuck through it.  I cried for a couple of hours, but thinking back I don't know why. He was horrible!  Let me tell you, it was the week after we parted, I'd gone out with my best friend and felt a sense of freedom.  No one stalking my location, texting me telling me what to do, or asking what I was wearing.  

I saw him 4 months later by chance while I went to lunch, and the way he tried to make it look like he found a long-lost friend disgusted me!  He was with his best friend whom he said hated me while we were dating.  Considering the kind words from her after she left that day, made me think otherwise.  He popped up with 'Well holy shit, I haven't seen you in forever!' a smile and almost made an attempt to give me a hug.

Cringe.  I gave a half fearful smile as I noticeably backed away and sat down at my own table for lunch.  There was no way I was going to just walk away when I was doing my own thing. He was not going to have that control.

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My third back-to-back red flag encounter was the 'I don't eat reheated French fry's chef.' I'm not even going to waste the time.  The guy was born a narcissist. 

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I think I learned to set boundaries since then.  I don't want to be controlled; I want to give and receive respect.  

With R, I can sit on the couch on my phone when he walks in after work and not have it in my head, I should be doing something that shows I wasn't sitting down.  I can go have coffee, shop or any little errand I chose without him stalking my time and location.  I can play music in the bathroom on my air pods, and he won't ask me 'what the fuck are you doing?'.  He doesn't tell me what I'm allowed to wear, or who I can be friends with.  It's a slow process that even 3 years together hasn't healed completely, but it's a work in progress that only I can repair.  

I do talk to R about certain things and how I feel, which luckily, he listens when I just need to get it off my chest.  I tell him because it's part of the healing process.  It's the same thing when I ask his permission to have a friend at our house, out of respect.  He also has to remind me, 'I trust you, and I know you're not going to bring a random person to our home.'  Our home. He has to remind me of this because I always say his not ours.  Again, a work in progress for me.

Healthy takes time, and I personally thank R for his patience with me because I don't think it's been easy on him either.