Body Dismorphia

 It's a struggle.  I didn't have this issue until I met J, my ex-husband.  Personally, I wish I could put all the blame on myself, but I can't because I've never given myself reason to dislike my body.

When met him, I was 23 and 100 pounds, and I was still debating if I want to keep my blond hair or go back to my natural brown.  I always wore my make up naturally, because I really didn't know how to apply it like now.  Basically, I was under weight as I have been my entire life, but I didn't look sick or unhealthy.

He was a gym junkie and therefore I decided the gym would be part of my life too.  It started out with 2-3 times a week while he did his 6.  I would basically walk the treadmill for half an hour and that was that.  I didn't really start weights until I was 37 and got into the bikini competitions.  J liked to 'show me off,' and he wasn't quiet about that opinion, I dressed the part etc. just to make him happy.  

If I remember correctly, the red flags started to appear when he was deployed, and he would ask me how often I was at the gym.  Sometimes I'd lie and tell him more often than not because I liked to sleep in, and my job then was bartending which was exhausting.  Back then, you couldn't see you partners location, and Myspace was still the big social media leader.

It was after he returned from that deployment, he pushed me to keep up in the gym and after we moved to a different state.  I was still bartending and being that young with no bodily issues I personally didn't think I needed to do as much.  His next deployment I decided because of his constant pressure of 'looking good' upon his return I needed to really do something about my physic.  I was still the same weight, but it wasn't good enough. I wasn't tone enough.

Enter running 5-7 miles 6 days a week and on the off days I'd walk the dogs about 2 miles around my neighborhood.  I was hard on myself, smoothies were my daily intake, and I was always Googling new diet ideas. It was an obsession that lasted a couple years till I got pregnant with my son (little J).  I still went to the gym, but I had to cut it down into a quarter of what I was doing per the doctor.  I stayed fit and dropped the baby weight immediately.

After he was born, J was telling me how I need to start working out to keep my body in shape or he would use the word 'healthy.'  I was healthy, but he wanted toned and tight.  So, I purchased a new gym membership.  Having a baby changed my body and my mind because I started to see 'muffin tops,' and I would 'jiggle' in places I've never jiggled.  He would point this out and it would be branded into my head.

2021 came around and without him this time, I started to obsess about the gym again because of that bikini competition I mentioned previously.  It was the best I've looked (in my opinion) and felt in a very long time.  There were no signs of having 2 children, and honestly, I felt amazing.  We had been separated by this point, but he saw the videos of the competition posted live on Facebook as it was a well-known thing in our area.  He didn't hesitate to comment 'you look good, really good.'  It bothered me so much when he said he actually searched to see the competition online to see how I looked.  

I met R in 2022, and I was still in that fit physic, but little did I know this relationship would actually help me be healthy.  R loves Mexican food and I never turned down a date night out because it was time for us together.  However, he always noticed how much food I ate, or how much I didn't eat.  He told me I needed to eat more and played that he was trying to 'thicken' me up.  I could only laugh and tell myself, 'no, don't eat too much.'

It was the trip to Cabo that I noticed something.  

I saw the wrinkles on my face.  I always take care of my skin and use what is best, but I am getting older.  While tying my bikini bottoms on, I saw my squishy muffin tops and thought, 'okay that's kind of cute.'  My butt jiggled, per my dear friend K (her and her husband joined us), and I could only laugh because I've never been told my butt jiggles.  I do analyze my body now, but I really told myself to stop.  Be healthy, eat enjoy life and stop over analyzing myself.  R absolutely loves my body now and has said how much healthier I look since he met me.  That in itself really hit my core, because I can see it now.  Even my mother has said so, and what really irritates me is the fact she said it first and I didn't believe her.  She's always been on myside about being healthy and telling me facts when I would over analyze myself.

So, here's to the little butt jiggles, the fine lines on the face, the grey hairs shining through and the cute muffin tops that show with a string bikini.  Own it, and don't let anyone else tell you that you need to tone or tighten because that's what they want.