More Triggers

 I don't hate myself, but I hate the fact that I cannot forget.  Music is my motivation for a lot of things, but it's also my enemy.  I can be cleaning or driving when a song comes on that I'm literally singing with and BOOM, it hits me.  A trigger, a bad memory and a bad thought.  Then comes the questions.

Yep, I was driving to a clients house the other morning, just singing along and then I hear the words.  They changed from lyrics to words triggering me.  What feels like 10 minutes is usually 5 seconds and then I'm stuck shaking my head trying to forget what I just saw in my mind.  It's been 7 years and I still cannot get over the past. 

Thinking about the reason why this is so difficult for me, is because I've never in my life been hurt so bad.  I've been cheated on by every single man I've dated, but this one was the worst.  I've even been beat by a man and it didn't affect me the way my former marriage did.  It could be the fact we had kids together, or the fact that I was there no matter where he went, what he did or the choices he made over me and the kids.  

Before kids it was the deployments.  I worked full time, saved money, paid off bills, and took care of literally everything.  The houses were maintained and I even upgraded the interior of them.  I remember I sold all of our beginner furniture, just so we could have extra money and the space for new items.  I took care of both the vehicles carefully, because I wanted him to come home and be proud of what I did for us.  I'm sure he was proud in his own way, but it was more 'look what my woman does,' instead of 'look what my wife did for us.'

After kids, it was more chaotic which was a given.  He was transitioning out of the military, and we stayed with my parents for a good while till we bought a new house.  I went back into my routine, but with a baby doing my traditional chores.  I was working full time too, and I felt whole.  Then, E came along and that was definitely a challenge learning to balance two kids, while working and taking care of everything.  Don't think I'm pulling the whole pity party game.  No, it was real.  Asking this man to take out the trash was like pulling teeth.  

Then again, halfway through my pregnancy with E, he was playing on a new playground.  He wasn't bragging about what was going on at the house anymore, he was complaining.  

I don't remember the song, but I remember the trigger.  I was barely 6 weeks post partum with E and from week 2 he was complaining about his sexual needs not being met.  Also, by week 2 he was already having sex, and E just came home after spending a week in the NICU.  It was week 6, he told me he proudly walked into a Walgreens, put condoms on the counter and told the sales clerk 'todays the day!'

MORTIFIED!

Who in the hell does this, or says this much less in public about their wife!?  

Let me just say he told me this before we attempted to have sex, and it was cut short due to pain for me.  It was finished with complaining from him.  Then again, he was already having sex with someone else.  I'll never comprehend why people do that!  Sleep with one person and in the same day sleep with someone else.  

I can feel myself getting dizzy writing this, but it's good for me to get it out.  It's a release of tension.  

Luckily, R has helped me because when I mention some small 'Yeah I can't do that because of XYZ.' He will straight up tell me, 'baby, you got to let go of the past and not let it control you.'  I do just that.  There are times I need reminding, but there are those few moments I'll tell myself and just continue without him knowing what I was thinking.  

Another story for the books, and another piece of tension to let go.