Single Parent

It's a phrase you never in a million years thought you would use to describe yourself.  It's the same phrase I never thought I would use at one point in my life.  I remember after I had my son, the thought was never there.  It was after I had my daughter it came to me.  I think I had an entry before that told the story about my gut feeling. 

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I'll never forget it.  I was in the kitchen and J was home from work, I don't know 30 minutes?  He was sitting on the couch after the kids were put down and I literally stopped doing what I was doing.  I looked up and asked him, 'would you ever cheat on me?'  He had a hesitant 'no,' but the way he said it as if I already knew and he was trying to convince me he didn't do anything.  It's all about tone.  It was fearful.  

I knew, but I didn't know. 

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I legally became a single parent in 2021 when I moved out of the house we purchased together.  What hurt the most is looking at the kids and then dropping them off every other weekend.  E was so little she didn't understand it, while little J was confused and constantly asking question.  He still asks questions, but I do my best to talk to him within reason, so I don't hurt him.  He's going to ask till he really understands.

You can't tell a small child 'Daddy had sex with another woman (girl) while he was married to mommy.' No, it doesn't work that way.  Instead, it's sugar coating to the max.  'Daddy did something to hurt mommy's heart so bad, mommy couldn't stay and keep you and your sister in a bad home.'  

Last year little J wanted me to drop the sugar coating, so I had to tell him with less sugar on top.  'Baby, daddy hurt mommy.  He kissed another girl when he wasn't supposed to.' He understood more, but I can't just keep throwing it all under the rug with my son.  As he gets older, I don't want him to think cheating is okay, but I don't want him to just give his heart to anyone.  The absolute same goes towards E.  I really don't think she's going to have any issues, the girl is headstrong but little J.  He has a heart so big it's only defined in a Cinderella movie.  

Being a single parent, is up there with some of the most heartbreaking moments in life in my opinion.  Your child doesn't understand, which makes it the hardest part.  J sees the kids two days out of the month because of his work schedule, and he doesn't do anything to change it.  He's admitted to me since he started that job, he doesn't want to ask for time off.  When he has it's been an excuse why not to take them.  What's even crazier to me is he didn't fight this much for his oldest son N, but then again it tapered off.  

My concerns lie here as the kids get older, will his attention and desire to see them fade?  I know R is in my life and I'm grateful because he's the dad they need and want.  Every time they ask me, 'why doesn't daddy do X, Y, and Z with us like you and R?'  I don't know what to tell them except, 'He works a lot baby.'  

I'm dreading the years as they get older and grow smarter to what the situation has been and becomes with them and their father.  

It was 2023, I was no longer a 'single parent.'  The man who stepped into our lives helped change it for the better.  He loves the kids and spends time with them.  He's a damn good role model and I love how involved he is in their lives.  Here's to the man who calls us his family.