I'll never know why

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Triggers are the absolute worst day time nightmares for me.  If I'm triggered, my mind feels like something you'd see in a Stephen King movie, with darkness, smoke and that creepy blue/black lighting.  They can happen so randomly, and the worst for me are when I'm driving.  

A few weeks ago, I was driving home from an appointment about 50 miles away.  My Amazon playlist was set to 'My Likes,' and usually when they've all been run through, it'll do its own thing.  A song came on that had me singing the lyrics in my head and there it was.  The trigger.

[Cue the darkness with black and blue smoke]

Nightmare memory #1
ME: 'Why? Why did you do it J? Was she prettier? Was she better in bed? Why?!'

Him: 'I don't know, maybe because she had more curves than you.'

I thought to myself, 'I'm 5'4, 105 healthy pounds and fit after having 2 children.  I have a full-time job, take care of the kids, and the house.  What's wrong with me? Am I ugly? Do I need to go to the gym more? Should I color my hair again?'

Nightmare memory #2
I was 4 months post-partum from having my daughter.  My legs were sore, and I begged J to rub them while we lay on the couch.  I pulled my cotton pajamas up above the knee and lay my legs across his.  His first reaction was 'you haven't shaved in days; I don't want to touch your legs.' I felt disgusting and reminded him that I was exhausted and still in transition with having a new baby.  He touched me like I disgusting, then asked 'When are you going to get back into the gym? I'm just trying to help you because my ex-wife told me to tell her if she was ever getting fat. It's motivation.'

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Take a mental note of this.  

When I got pregnant with my son in 2014, I was in the gym constantly. My ex-husband kept it in my head to stay fit.  I did, and I was lucky enough to bounce right back after he was born.  When I had my daughter, I was so active that I didn't need to go to the gym as much.  I did yoga at home, and I kept myself maintained.  I do not have an hourglass figure, but I never had a pooch either.  I'm small on top and bottom, so take that as well proportioned. I weighed 125 pounds a day before I had my daughter, and my doctor was begging me to put more on for both our sakes.  I bounced back within 2 weeks after she was born.  I didn't 'jiggle,' and I stayed active due to work and taking care of 2 kids.  

'I'm fat?' My stomach felt sick, and I felt my heart break.   Enter body dysmorphia.  That was 2017.

The girls he cheated on me with were shorter than me, and curvier with that naturally dark skin.  One had a child at 16, and the other had none.  What was it then?  Sex? I was so involved with the kids, work and our lives that it wasn't something I found interest in yet.  He kept pressuring me so much, that when we finally did have sex again (not only was he already having sex), but it hurt so bad.  When I told him to stop and was crying, he threw a fit like a child.  I won't even go into detail what he'd guilt me into doing during my pregnancy and after.  

A few months ago, pre-lawyer I was on the phone with him discussing drop off.  I brought up I'd packed little C's hairbrush and asked if he'd be sure to take out her rubber bands and gently brush her hair and remind the kids to brush their teeth.  This is because they will come home looking unkept and mention how they 'forgot' to do these things cause Daddy didn't do it.  

'This is why I fucking cheated on you! You're fucking controlling like your mother. I can't stand it! This is why I had sex with someone else, because you can't relinquish control!'

I hung up immediately.

So, that's why he cheated.  Well, that's one of many reasons? I don't think I'll ever know why, but if that's what he wants to go with, so be it.  

I guess staying loyal, and being financially responsible with a full-time job on each of his deployments wasn't enough.  Putting up with his father, who made sexual comments to me and 'letting them go,' wasn't enough.  Killing myself in the gym, because he told everyone I was his 'trophy wife,' who 'did it all,' wasn't enough.  

7 years later, I still deal with bodily issues and do everything I can to keep R's attention.  The other day, I was whitening my teeth, and he asked me, genuinely curious, 'Why are you doing that baby? Tring to impress someone?' I told him, 'No, but I want to look good for you.' He told me I didn't have to try because he's not going anywhere, and I'm pretty.  He's a simple man of words, but it was his tone that got me.  

I'm enough, and he doesn't complain when I don't shave my legs, or that I don't go to the gym.  He tells me not to tan, because he's afraid I'll develop skin cancer.  He makes sure I eat, no matter what.  He doesn't belittle my questions or put me down for asking a silly one.  He appreciates how I will literally bend over backwards for the kids and him before I will do something for myself.  He has never embarrassed me by pointing out something about my body either.  

I always thought, if I had the answer to why my ex-husband cheated on me, I'd be able to prevent it from happening in the future.  No.  The problem didn't lie within me; he was the problem the entire time.