Parents don't get sick days

 Not the primary parent, that is.

I have primary custody of my kids.  I'm there for the vomiting, diarrhea, ER visits, accidents, and all of the other surprises that come with having little ones.  

Last year, my son vomited blood into the sink.  I told 'R,' and he said 'go, I've got little C so you go.'  Neither of us hesitated to take care of the kids, and as soon as I got into my truck heading to the ER, I called my son's father.  I explained in quick details the situation and mentioned it would be nice for our son, if he showed up.

HIM: 'I can't do that. It's an hour away and I have work in the morning, but I'm really emotional about all of this. Tell him I love him.'

I wish I could say this was a shock, but it wasn't.  For a man who would literally sleep, shit and work out with his phone, it took 5 calls to get him to answer.  He wasn't even at work; he was at home.  

3 years prior to this, my daughter fell out of bed. She's a 'sloppy sleeper,' and happened to fall out of a queen size bed.  Her poor little face hit the hard wood, leaving her bruised badly.  I was living with my parents at this time, so my mother loaded up with me and her as we rushed to the ER.  My ex-husband was only 20 minutes away at this time from the ER.  Again, I called and informed him what the situation was.  

HIM: 'I want to be there so bad for her, but I have to work in the morning and that's a drive for me right now. I'm really tired. Give her a hug for me.'

I wish I could understand what goes through his mind when he says this.  I do, because the only thing I can think of is, if I were in his shoes I'd be on the road no questions asked rushing to see my kids.

This brings us back to this week.

Last Friday, everyone in our home caught the stomach bug.  The only 'survivor' was our son (when I say our son I mean me and 'R' because that's just how we label the kids. They are ours.) Little C was the first to throw up.  I was up and down all through Saturday morning, barely sleeping just to make sure she was okay.  R got up with me to help clean the vomit in her room and blew up air mattress for her.  The following morning, I did more cleaning and making sure she was comfortable, while R ran into town for meds and anything that might help her.  

Unfortunately, he came down with the bug, and shortly through the day so did I.  We both swapped duties trying to recuperate while dealing with the 'ick' ourselves.  Big C (our son) seemed to have dodged a bullet with that bug.  It took the weekend till Tuesday to really feel like ourselves again.  I did not inform my ex of the situation because it wasn't his weekend, and frankly there was nothing that could have been done.  

Friday morning (one week later) the kids get up for school and Big C tells me he isn't feeling well.  I tried to help him ignore that because he didn't have a fever, but as soon as he took that first bite of his breakfast it was all over.  He rushed to the bathroom and popped like a balloon.  I got him comfortable and cleaned up, then text his father because this was his weekend and the first in a month since he last saw them.

ME: 'Big C is throwing up with a fever.'
HIM: 'Ok. Should we change to next weekend?'
ME: 'Next weekend isn't one of your weekends. Let me speak to R about it.'

I did speak to R right after about the situation, and he made some very good points that I did not argue with.  He told me, 'When the kids are sick, we are the ones taking care of them. He has never had them when they are sick so I he needs to understand as a parent that's a responsibility. You can tell him this is his weekend, and he can pick them up at the designated time. If he declines, then that's on him.'

He's right, and that's what I did.

ME: 'So, we've decided that this is your weekend according to the paperwork. You're still able to take the kids at pick up time.'
HIM: 'No. I don't want to subject anyone here getting sick.'

I understand where he is coming from, considering he lives with his oldest son, who's girl friend is pregnant, and there is a married couple and child living downstairs.  However, he has declined in the past taking the kids when they had colds or were sick while he was living alone in the house I gave up during our divorce.  

Let me throw in there, he is not living at that house! The house I gave up in the divorce.  Now, if you ask, 'why did you do that?' I wanted my kids to have a place they are safe and comfortable going to while with him.  Something familiar.  This was a sacrifice I was willing to make for them, since I chose to take my vehicle with me.

Personally, R and I, don't want the kids going to him while they are sick because he could not and would not take care of them properly.  This was his trend, even while I was married to him.  Even on the days I was sick in bed, he would find ways to wake me with 'I don't know what to do. I don't know how much medicine to give them. What do I feed them when they are sick? Can you help me clean up this puke in the living room, I can't handle the smell.'

As of today, while I write this, it's been a month since he last saw the kids.  He gave up one of his weekends to make a trip to see his parents and drive back more than 3k miles.  I don't know why he couldn't do that on a weekend he wasn't supposed to have the kids.  He won't have them the last weekend of the month, due to his work schedule (as of the past 7 years). It'll be another 3 weeks, till he sees the kids.  

I couldn't handle that if I were in his shoes.  I would not allow anything to stand in my way of visitations and if they had a trip to the ER while in his possession, I'd drop everything to be there no matter the distance.

R and I have a friend who is a father of 4, working full time who shares split custody of his kids.  This man drives 50 miles on the weeks he has one of the youngest to school and back 5 days out of the school weeks.  He drops everything when they are sick, for the doctor appointments etc.  How is it my ex-husband cannot drive X number of miles when ours are in the hospital no matter what the reason?

I don't know if I'll ever understand what goes through his head, and I don't know if I want to know what he tells people about me.  Now I understand why my lawyer told me to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! I have a word file specifically dedicated to my situation.  

Sadly, the worst part of this entire situation is having to tell the kids why they aren't seeing their father.  My mother said I should let him tell the kids, however the last time I tried this, he told them 'Because your mom divorced me, we have to follow the court rules.' I'm sure he would go along the lines of 'We can't have everyone here getting sick if you visit.'  

Personally, if he was still living in the house we bought, he wouldn't have to make an excuse not to see the kids.  Regardless, I know the kids are in better hands here at home with R and me.