Who I was VS Who I am

I died in 2018.

Well, I didn't literally die in 2018, but my old self did.  

I grew up in a town so small, everyone knew everyone.  My family was well-known because we had some of the largest farmland, but please don't assume they were filthy rich.  I grew up riding horses, chasing chickens, feeding the cows, and instead of dogs I had ducks who'd follow me around like puppies.  I wasn't a popular cheerleader, but I was the tomboy of most groups.  

It made me a 'Billy-bad-ass,' in other words.  The unfortunate part of my growing up was my bad attitude, and I partially blame that on some people in my family.  It was embedded into my head children were to be seen, not heard and women were to be barefoot in the kitchen.  I definitely did not abide by those 'rules.'  I stood out because I was wanting to prove myself to the men in my family, that I can do the things my younger brother did.

There was the favorite Aunt.  She was the favorite, because she'd spoil me, and even moved me in with her and her husband after unfortunate circumstances out of my control.  I was given a large allowance, and dressed in name brand clothing, because she was molding me into the 'cheerleader,' and washing away the 'tomboy' in me.  It was weird how she tried to gain my trust into talking about boys, and sex too.  However, she was a horrible controller, martyr with a vile persona behind the wheel and her she was the vainest person always trying to outshine people because she had the funds to wear name brand clothing.  I mirrored these actions as I got older, because I can tell you for years my road rage was absolutely repulsive.  Embarrassing actually.  Just for a note, she became the 'not favorite Aunt,' when I saw who she really was in life. She now is the 'who are you?' to me.

I had the bad ass Uncle, to this day is still the bad ass uncle.  However, his party days definitely molded into my memory as I ended up doing the same dumb shit he did.  Not all of it, but damn near close.  He spoke with authority, and when he did, you'd listen.  He was one reason that small town I grew up in knew our family so well, and another personality I tried to mirror.  This one really got me into trouble, because I didn't pull it off the way he did.

My grandparents who not only raised me but abused me.  It wasn't considered abuse then, but it most definitely is now.  I was a young girl, and my brother was seen as 'the golden child,' therefore whatever I did was far worse than him.  I was called names, forced to find a 'switch' in the yard if I needed a spanking, and subjected to abuse I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I was always underweight, and one unfortunate memory I had was being forced to drink an Ensure type drink, I ended up vomiting because the taste was so bad.  I was spanked extremely hard that night.  I never wanted to go through that again,

These people molded me into a person I truly hated!  

I carried that don't-fuck-with-me-Billy-bad-ass-attitude with me for years, and by years, I mean into my 30s.  One memory I recall, is when I was walking through a mall with friends, I was 25 and saw someone look at me. Just looking at me, so I responded, 'What the fuck are you looking at?' A year after, I was involved in a bar fight.  I will admit I could have walked away, considering the start of it wasn't my fault.  In the end, I really physically hurt someone, because they damaged personal property of mine.  I could have just walked away.  I'm disgusted by the person I was.

When I met my ex-husband, I did change a little.  His involvement with the military didn't give me the choice, because my appearance needed to be clean cut due to his rank.  I taught myself to suppress that nasty attitude and put on a show for others.

In 2018, after the discovery of my ex-husband's affair, I felt myself slip back to being that girl with the ugly attitude.  The worst mix was the fact I developed an anxiety I never had in my life.  I became a feral momma bear, with a reckless teenage attitude that literally had me think 'what the hell am I doing?' It also took my mother literally screaming the same words at me, to snap awake.  

I know for a fact I changed in 2022 before meeting 'R,' and after meeting the 'Reheated French Fry Chef.'  I finally saw who was the most important in the world, and what I needed to do.  It's so sad to say, even a trip to jail for severe speeding didn't send me a wakeup call.  

Then, I met 'R,' who had showed me how organic fun, laughter and kindness was what happiness was about.  I started working harder and making money to spend on my kids to create memories.  I learned that happiness was possible again, even after enduring a death of my former self.

I have grieved at the loss of that girl, because there were so many good memories and adventures.  My first 3k road trip alone, because I could just blast the music.  My first apartment, regardless it was with my first boyfriend, I was considered independent.  My first real job at a veterinary clinic.  Of course, the nights out with my best friend which usually never ended as we expected.  The first vehicle I bought myself and then selling it years later.  

I'm still learning about this new me, and what I've really learned is my energy levels for anger are not what they use to be.  That's probably my favorite part.  I can't get angry anymore without feeling absolutely depleted of my energy, so I focus on trying to avoid the negative.  Redirection, if you will.  I also teach my children the same, just in the hopes they never have to go through the same mistakes I put myself through.  I have also learned, I will never treat my children the way I was treated and raise them with kindness.

I grieve for the girl I was, because even with those ugly molded parts I had, I really was a happy person.  I remember my mother telling me how the light in my eyes was gone after my ex-husband's affair.  Believe it or not, after looking through old photos, she was right.

Photos since mid 2022 and currently, that light is there again.  It's definitely a different better light than before.