It's not you it's me

So, R travels a lot and usually last minute due to his job.  It's something I immediately adjusted to when I moved in.  I never realized how much it bothered me, and by bothered I mean how I reacted to him being gone.  I think it's a type of 'fight or flight,' that kicks in. 

My anxiety peaks to the max when he's gone.  

I don't really understand why.  Almost within the hour of him leaving for something out of town, or out of state I start to clean.  The floors, floorboards, laundry, dishes, whatever there is in the house that needs to be cleaned, that's what I focus on.  I'll usually break it up by sitting down for a couple of moments between tasks because it keeps me focused but doesn't let me over do it.  That's my medicine for my anxiety.

The kids are really great about keeping my attention too.  We will discuss what we want for dinner, and I'll try to make it like a 'restaurant' feel for them.  E gets to pick the sides; C can pick the entree and the next time we switch it up.  Depending on how full we are, we will do a coke float for dessert, or I'll set up a 'movie and popcorn,' night in the living room.  I like to do something special for them when he's gone, because we all mope when he leaves, especially E.  To think it was me who really got into my feels when R left, I have nothing on E considering how attached she is to him.  

Sometimes we will have their cousins over for a sleep over, just so they can relax more since school let out.  I don't mine, because not only do I love my nieces and nephews, but I know it gives their mom and dad a break too.  I wish I felt that way.  When the kids leave for sleep overs or even to visit their father on dedicated weekends it's too quiet for me.  

Nights are far different for me mentally.  Once the kids go down, I'll walk through the house to make sure everything is picked up, put away, wiped down, reloaded and reset.  I'm pretty good about setting the alarm again, and it gives me a sense of ease.  Having cameras all over the place is a comfort, but I feel better once the alarm is in place.

I usually take my time with my showers.  I think that's a moment I can breathe and give myself 100% attention.  Most women and mothers don't understand what a detailed shower, skin care and hair care routine will do for their mentality.  Because R has been gone more, I've put more effort in how I take care of my face, my skin and my body.  Don't think I'm doing it for him, no.  When I do things like this, it's for myself because the issue I have afterwards, is sleep.

Everyone is addicted to technology, and the routine I hear in most homes are 'scroll, scroll, scroll, click, tap, click.'  I've reverted back to reading.  I seem to sleep better after I read, but then again, I toss a ton when R is gone.  It's crazy to think I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat when he's next to me, but when he's away, I feel like I'm fighting demons just to relax.  Even my sleep app has been an asshole reminding me how much I've tossed or didn't sleep.

I used to stay up a few hours after the kids went down with a glass of wine, but now I'll take a cup of tea or the wine into the bathroom during my shower and finish it with some chapters.  

Intrusive thoughts are what I battle the most when he's gone.  Comparing them now to after I first moved in, they are easier to deal with.  It's like bushing away dust, but back then it was absolutely impossible.  Makes me think I need to take up yoga again.  I found myself more at ease when I did it in the morning and evenings.  

The one thing I'm grateful for is, R will call or text once he's made his destination.  Just like last night, I knew he was exhausted from flights and driving.  After he sent me his, 'Hey baby, I'm finally at the hotel. I'm going to shower and pass out. Please sleep well, I love you!' text, it wasn't long before I was able to roll over with the cats, and sleep.

Rephrase.  I shut off the lights, fought my restless leg issues and the cat biting at my feet.