Life Now vs. Then

Here I sit because I did something unthinkable. Again.  Let's go back to February 14, 2018.

I saw the messages in his WhatsApp.

Her: 'I love you!'
Him: 'I love you too.'

Tears, screaming, items being thrown because I lost my self-control.  I called my mother, and she drove as fast as she could and taking my 7-month-old and 3-year-old back to her house for the night.  

I hate remembering this night because I should have done better for the kids.  I should have just sent screenshots to my phone, investigated the next day and left with all of our things.  I didn't.  Instead, I turned into a woman scorned who'd blacked out.

September 2021, I moved out.  I packed the necessities for me and the kids and moved in with my parents who welcomed us with open arms.  I'm grateful for this, but I knew it wasn't going to be an easy transition.  I kept little J in the same school till the summer came so he could keep some stability in his life, and after both kids were enrolled in a school closer to where we were living.  

We lived with my parents for 1 year and 4 months, and my divorce was final in February 2024.  I allowed him to keep the house, so the kids would have a sense of safety and familiarity.  It didn't really do any good considering now I've been fighting to have my name removed and he moved in with his oldest son (from his previous marriage).  I worked with him on weekends and summers since his schedule is as it's always been, on his terms.  He's never taken them more than 24 hours on his weekends, and he's never had them as the courts have stated in our paperwork.  He blames this on his work schedule, and I have to come up with excuses to tell the kids to this day.

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Here we are, now in 2025.

He pays child support, and it comes in like clockwork.  What the kids need, I get them, and I still take the time to spoil them in a positive light.  

Little J is struggling in school due to his ADHD, but we have seen doctors and are currently working on things to get him on track.  The progress is showing and so are his rising grades.  He's vibrant and loud, all about his nerf guns and video games outside of school.  

E is doing exceptionally well in school, and all about friends and getting her homework done.  He current obsession are those creepy little Labu boos, which I'm standing my ground, refusing to let one inside of this house.  She's a spit fire and the little sidekick for R.

Here's where it gets messy...

I went on Facebook the other day and unblocked a name.  BOTH OF THIER NAMES.  The former flings, the easy side pieces, the girls who fueled the fire to my past rage.

There they were.

The youngest and the short term one:  She married the man she'd had a child with, the one she cheated on with my ex-husband.  Going down her rabbit hole, there's some drama.  She's definitely put on weight, and apparently struggling with a lot of personal things she's made public.  

I entered the second name.

The oldest and the long-term affair:  She married in 2019, apparently to a man she'd met while she was at bootcamp before I called her boot instructor.  I googled his name, and he's got a background for SA on a woman in a different state.  Since then, she's had 2 children and (as much as I don't like saying this about another woman) she's definitely let herself go.  She is not the girl I saw in her 2018 photos.  Instead, this is a tired woman with young children whose stress is showing through on her recent photos.  She moved out of state and is renting a home with her husband.  

As for J:  He takes the kids on his scheduled weekends, no more than 24 hours the first and third weekend of the month.  He sends child support.  He also disregards how important schoolwork is to me when it comes to the kids.  He will still throw out the phrase, 'Same old (my name)!' as if he knows me.  He keeps me in the dark about the house that shares both our names until recently when a sale fell through for him.  He's moving back into the house we shared, and I'm nervous to know how bad the inside is.  

Since the divorce finalized, I'm seeing stress and age on him more and more.  He's still going to the gym, but he's gotten older.  I get we are all growing older, but it's showing on him.  I used to take care of him with good meals, inside of a warm home and a routine with the kids.  That's what shows on him the most.  He doesn't have that, and I can see it.  

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Sometimes I wonder, what it would have been like if I'd have just left J and just accepted his affair with 'grace.'  I think that's the word I need to use.  You know? Just left, filed and let it be.  I wonder if he'd have moved her in with him, and how long that relationship would have lasted.  Oh, I know how it would have gone.

She'd have still enlisted, and he wouldn't accept that.  He would for a short time, but not for long.  I think the 25-year age gap might have been an issue, and not to mention if she'd sleep with a married man, I'm going to assume she'd have slept with someone else while being in a relationship.  I'm assuming based on what I saw during their affair.  J would have told her all these sweet things just to keep her around like he did me and when he married me his mind suddenly changed.  I don't think they would have lasted long.

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As for me:  My life isn't perfect, but it's not controlled with abusive language, demanding sex, fighting after the kids go to sleep, or questioning why the late nights at work.  

My life is normal, not perfect.  However, I define perfect different than others.  

My house is a warm home, full of family photos, scented $5 candles from Wal-Mart, and home cooked meals every other night.  We have cats that will sleep on me, or with little E at night.  We have a derpy Great Dane who slobbers on anything, including the cats each time the opportunity presents itself.  We have kids who will test our boundaries and patience every day.  We have family dinners out once a week with our village and occasional child swap sleep overs.  

Me?  I stopped coloring my hair blond in 2023 and I'm a natural brunette again.  I've put on healthy weight, and I love it.  I don't look skinny sick anymore.  I have a safe and reliable vehicle thanks to R.  I have a respectable job, that allows me to spoil everyone in this home.  I have a man who appreciates any and all the work I do inside and outside of the house, he counts on me when he is out of town for work.  The kids appreciate when I take into consideration what they want for breakfast or dinner, and when I make their school lunches.  

I have also aged, but not like the 3 people I've mentioned.  When I left J, I was 103lbs and it wasn't a pretty skinny regardless that I was fit.  My bleach blond hair was breaking off from stress and improper care.  My skin was dry; it showed my stress, especially under my eyes.

After I met R, I figured out what it means to have to take care of yourself if you want to take care of others.  If you can't take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of the ones you love the most?  I have some grey hairs and fine lines, but nothing like I should have at my age.

I don't fear fighting with my spouse anymore because, we don't fight.  We may disagree, but we don't fight, and we talk about any issues.  I don't worry about what goes on in this house and how it'll affect the kids, because there's no stress or hate.  

On the upside, I don't hate those girls, or my ex-husband.  I pity them, because they chose a path that affected themselves, and one that affected two innocent children.  I am thankful for their choices, because it led me and the kids to R.